Saying “Tell me more” is one of the best tools there is for getting a difficult conversation to a place where you understand each other.
Listening is the No. 1 communication skill
Listening is the most important communication skill and the one we neglect most. We all think we’re good listeners, but we’re not. We’re too busy, distracted, self-absorbed or bored to pay attention to what others are saying, which matters, because listening is how we connect with other people.
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” (Ralph G. Nichols)
When someone opens up to us, our first instinct is often to offer advice or a fix. Much of the time, saying “Tell me more” works better, because it shows you care and are willing to listen.
What makes “tell me more” different
Most conversations follow a predictable script. Someone shares a problem and you offer advice, or worse, you tell a similar story of your own and accidentally make their problem about you. It happens so automatically that we barely notice we’re doing it.
“Tell me more” breaks that script. You offer no advice and no solution, only an invitation to keep going and get to what’s underneath the first thing they said.
“Bravery is the great guts to move closer to the wound holding eye contact and saying these seven words.
Tell me more. What else? Go on.
That’s how the braves shine. That’s all they do.” (Kelly Corrigan)
Think about the last time someone asked you to elaborate on something you felt strongly about. This phrase gives the other person that experience. It tells them you want to know what this is like for them, and that you’re not just waiting for your turn to talk.
Why it works so well
When you say “tell me more,” you hand over control, which most people rarely experience in a conversation. Ordinary exchanges, especially between a manager and an employee or a parent and a child, are lopsided. One person has more authority, and they decide where the conversation goes.
“Tell me more” turns that around. It says, “You’re the expert here. I’m here to learn from you.” People feel safe enough to relax, and they start telling you things they weren’t planning to say.
I saw this last month when a colleague was frustrated about a project timeline. My instinct was to explain why the deadline made sense. Instead, I paused and said, “Tell me more about what’s making this feel impossible.” What came out had little to do with the timeline. They felt they’d been overlooked in the early planning. If I’d jumped in to defend the deadline, we would have missed that completely.
The technique also buys you time. When someone says something you don’t understand, or something that puts you on the defensive, “tell me more” gives you a minute to think before you respond. Instead of scrambling for the perfect reply, you ask them to keep going.
How to use the “Tell me more” technique
The phrase is simple; using it well takes some attention. You can’t say the words and then check your phone, because the point is to show that you’re curious.
What works best for me is a simple 3-step pattern. It feels mechanical the first few times, and then it becomes second nature.
Step 1: “Tell me more”
This is your opening move. When someone tells you something emotionally charged, hold back the advice and your own story and invite them to say more.
You might say:
Before you say anything, though, stop what you’re doing. Put down the phone, close the laptop and turn toward the person. If you’re asking someone to share more, you need to be present for the answer.
Don’t interrupt with specific questions. This is probably the biggest mistake I see people make: they say “tell me more” and then pepper the other person with questions that steer the conversation back to what they want to know, which defeats the purpose. Let them talk.
Step 2: “That sounds really hard”
Once they’ve opened up, acknowledge what they’re going through. You’re validating their experience, not fixing it, so name the feeling they’ve described without shrinking it or jumping to solutions.
You might say:
Keep your face neutral and open during this step, which is harder than it sounds. If your partner is explaining why they’re upset about something you did, your natural reaction might be to frown or look defensive, and that shuts the conversation down on the spot. Keep your expression calm and sympathetic, even when what you’re hearing is hard to take.
Agreeing or disagreeing doesn’t come into it. You’re recognizing that their feelings are real, which isn’t the same as saying “you’re right to feel this way” (or “you’re wrong to feel this way”). What you’re saying is “I see that you feel this way, and I’m here with you.”
Step 3: “What do you want to do about it?”
Only now do you turn toward action, and notice the phrasing: you’re asking what they want to do, not telling them. That keeps them in charge of the conversation and of their own decisions.
You might ask:
- “What do you want to do about it?”
- “How do you want to handle this?”
- “What do you need from me?”
Sometimes they’ll have a clear answer. Other times they’ll say “I don’t know,” and that’s fine too. The question still gets them thinking about solutions on their own terms, instead of having solutions handed to them.
When to use variations
You don’t have to use the exact phrase every time. Sometimes it makes more sense to say:
“Can you help me understand that better?” “What was that like for you?” “Say more about that.” “Walk me through what happened.”
Each one invites the person to keep talking without telling them where to take it. I mix them up depending on the conversation.
What it looks like in a real conversation
Say your partner comes home upset because a coworker took credit for their idea in a meeting:
1. You: “Tell me more about what happened.”
[They explain the whole situation, including how blindsided they felt.]
2. You: “That sounds incredibly frustrating. Especially after all the work you put into that idea.”
[They talk about how they feel, and it sinks in that you’ve heard them.]
3. You: “What do you want to do about it?”
[They might say they want to talk to their manager, or that they just needed to vent, or that they don’t know yet.]
The structure gives someone room to deal with their feelings before anyone starts problem-solving. Most people can’t think clearly about solutions while they’re still upset or overwhelmed, and the three steps help them get from there to knowing what they need.
Common mistakes
Probably the most damaging mistake is following “tell me more” with immediate advice. If someone shares something vulnerable and you respond with “Well, here’s what you should do,” you’ve taught them not to be vulnerable with you next time.
Another is using the phrase when you don’t have time to listen. Saying “tell me more” and then glancing at your watch or drifting off does more harm than saying nothing. Better to say, “I want to hear about this, but I have five minutes before I need to leave. Can we talk about it tonight?” That’s honest, and fake listening only breeds resentment.
Some people also make the mistake of only using this technique when they’re in “helper mode.” They’ll use it with direct reports or clients, but never with their spouse or friends. That creates a weird dynamic where their professional relationships get their best communication skills and their personal ones get whatever’s left over.
What happens after “tell me more”
Saying the phrase is the easy part. Once you’ve invited someone to share more, you need to do something with what they tell you.
Sometimes the right response is to reflect back what you heard: “It sounds like you’re feeling sidelined in this process.” That shows you were listening and helps them feel understood.
Other times you’ll want another “tell me more” to go deeper. If someone says they’re stressed about work and, when you ask, mentions a particular project, you might say, “Tell me more about what’s making that project so stressful.”
Fixing the problem can wait (though a solution sometimes turns up on its own once you both understand the situation better). What matters right then is seeing it from their side and making them feel heard.
The bottom line
Being properly listened to has become rare, which is why it means so much, especially to someone who’s struggling.
I’ve watched marriages improve when one partner started using this technique. I’ve seen workplace conflicts resolve once people stopped rushing to problem-solve and started asking each other to elaborate.
Most emotional conversations aren’t that complicated. People are rarely after an elaborate solution or a deep philosophical insight; they want to feel heard and to know that their experience matters to you, just as you do when you’re the one talking. “Tell me more.”
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