I stood in the middle of Mark’s massive penthouse, staring out at the skyline through floor-to-ceiling windows. Everything around me screamed success. Expensive art on the walls, designer furniture, and a kitchen that would make a professional chef jealous.
“Pretty amazing place you’ve got here,” I said, accepting the glass of wine he handed me.
Mark nodded but didn’t smile. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
For years, I’d watched from a distance as my college friend built his tech company into something worth millions. His face appeared in business magazines. He drove cars worth more than my house. By all standard measures, he’d “made it.”
But as we talked that evening, a different story emerged. Mark worked constantly, and he’d lost touch with old friends. His last relationship ended because he never made time for it. When his company hit a major milestone last month, he celebrated alone with an expensive bottle of scotch and takeout food.
“Sometimes I look around at all this,” he said, gesturing at his perfect apartment, “and I feel nothing. What’s the point of success if there’s no one to share it with?”
Why connection matters
For millions of years, humans stayed together for survival. Those who stuck with the group lived; those who went off alone faced serious danger.
Studies show that hunter-gatherer societies were likely happier than many of us today. The reason? They lived in tight-knit communities where connection was an everyday part of life.
It still shapes how our brains work today. When we form bonds with friends, enjoy a meal together, or even share a smile with a stranger, we tap into this deep-rooted need for human connection.
As humans, we have two basic needs that affect our happiness: connection and autonomy. We need meaningful relationships with others, and we need independence to pursue our own interests and develop our skills.
The problem? Modern life tips the scales too far toward autonomy. We have more freedom than ever before, but we’ve lost the deep connections that truly satisfy us.
People who focus only on personal success often end up with what psychologist William von Hippel calls “sad success stories”. Impressive achievements that feel hollow because there’s no one to share them with.
The modern connection problem
We have more choices than ever before. We can live alone, work remotely, order everything we need online, and entertain ourselves without leaving home.
Opportunities for autonomy that our ancestors rarely had are now available 24/7. But this has come at a cost. We’ve sacrificed the connections that keep our lives balanced and meaningful.
Many now live alone and report having fewer close friends than previous generations. We’ve prioritized personal freedom at the expense of relationships.
Simple ways to build connection habits
The good news? You can bring more connection into your life without major disruption. Look at your daily activities and ask:
“How could I make this more social?”
Here’s one thing that worked for me:
I used to do the Wordle alone each evening. Now, my daughter and I call each other to do it together while chatting about our lives. We live far apart but now talk several times a week instead of once a month. The friendly competition makes the game so much more fun, too. The beauty is that it takes no extra time. We just turned a solo activity into a social one.
Try these methods to make connection a daily habit:
The most powerful connections often come from regular, casual interactions rather than big planned events. A five-minute daily call can build a stronger bond than a three-hour dinner once a month.
Why these small changes work
Small changes stick because they fit into your existing routine without creating extra work. When you transform solo activities into social ones, connection becomes as automatic as brushing your teeth.
Research shows that we form habits most effectively when we tie them to existing routines. This creates what psychologists call “implementation intentions,” specific plans triggered by something you already do: “After I pour my morning coffee, I’ll call my brother.”
These small, consistent moments of connection add up over time, creating a steady stream of social nourishment that satisfies our deep human need for belonging.
Finding your balance
The goal isn’t to eliminate autonomy. We need independence to grow and develop our talents. The key is finding a healthy balance between connection and autonomy.
Many of us have swung too far toward independence and need to add more connection to our lives. Even introverts who enjoy alone time benefit from regular, meaningful interactions with others.
By making small changes to incorporate more social connections into your existing routines, you’ll restore the balance that humans have naturally thrived on for thousands of years.
Real-life examples
A friend of mine turned her morning jog into a running club with neighbours. Not only does she exercise more consistently now, but she’s built friendships that extend beyond their workouts.
Another person I know started doing his taxes with a friend over video chat. What was once a dreaded solo task became much more bearable with company, and they now team up for other administrative chores too.
A retired teacher felt isolated until she joined an online book club that meets weekly. She reads at the same time she always did, but now has lively discussions about the books instead of keeping her thoughts to herself.
Bottom line
Look at your daily routine right now. What’s one activity you do alone that could become social? Call someone while you fold laundry. Text a friend during your coffee break. Join an online group for something you’re already interested in.
Our hunter-gatherer ancestors had almost no personal autonomy by modern standards. Yet anthropological evidence suggests they were happier than many of us. They lacked choice and personal space, but they had constant connections.
The modern world gives us unprecedented freedom but removes the built-in community our brains still crave. We must create it deliberately.
My wake-up call came when I reached all my career goals and felt nothing. The solution wasn’t complicated. I didn’t quit my job or move to a commune. I built connections into my existing routines:
Each change took zero extra time but multiplied my happiness.
Look at one thing you do alone and ask how you could make it social. Then do it. Then find another. Soon connection becomes automatic, not something you need to schedule.
Connect deliberately. Connect daily. Connect now.
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