My mother and I couldn’t be more different as parents.
When my son refuses to eat dinner, I offer alternatives. My mother would have sent me to bed hungry. When my daughter talks back, I explain why her words hurt. My mother would have washed my mouth with soap.
For years, I judged her harshness while she criticized my softness. Both of us convinced we were right.
Then I stumbled across research on parenting styles that made me question my parenting style. Scientists have identified four distinct approaches to child-parenting, each with measurable impacts on children’s development. Neither my mother’s strict authority nor my permissive tendencies represented the gold standard.
Turns out we were both half-right and completely wrong.
Finding the right balance
Parents want what’s best for their children. Yet many of us leave the hospital with our newborns and no instruction manual. We learn as we go, often drawing from how we were raised, for better or worse.
Research shows that how we parent profoundly shapes our children’s development. Let’s explore the four main parenting styles and what science tells us about their effects.
The four parenting styles
In the 1960s, developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three parenting styles based on two key elements: responsiveness (warmth and support) and demandingness (rules and expectations). A fourth style was added later.
1. Authoritarian parenting
High control, low warmth
Authoritarian parenting relies heavily on strict discipline and obedience. Parents using this style often believe that children should be seen and not heard. They make decisions with little input from their children and expect rules to be followed without explanation. While structure matters, authoritarian parents tend to use punishment rather than positive reinforcement.
Authoritarian parents value obedience and discipline above all. They:
A parent who finds their 8-year-old playing video games instead of doing homework might immediately take away all electronics for a week without discussion. They might say, “In this house, we do our homework first. No exceptions. Hand over your tablet now.”
This approach leaves little room for teaching children the reasoning behind rules. Instead of learning why homework matters, children learn simply to obey when watched and possibly rebel when not supervised.
Children raised by authoritarian parents often:
Research shows these children might perform adequately in school but often struggle with social relationships and self-confidence. They frequently have difficulty making decisions without guidance and may either become very compliant or rebellious as they grow older.
2. Permissive Parenting
High Warmth, Low Control
Permissive parents prioritize being their child’s friend over being an authority figure. They avoid confrontation and rarely enforce consistent rules. While they’re loving and communicative, permissive parents often struggle to set boundaries, which can leave children feeling insecure about what to expect. This approach values freedom but may neglect the structure children need.
Permissive parents are loving but struggle with boundaries. They:
Rather than enforcing consequences when their teenager hasn’t completed their chores for the third day in a row, a permissive parent might say, “I guess you’ve been pretty busy with school. Don’t worry about the dishes tonight I’ll take care of them. Maybe you can help tomorrow if you feel like it.”
This pattern teaches children that rules are flexible and commitments optional. Without experiencing natural consequences, children miss important lessons about responsibility.
Children of permissive parents typically:
Studies suggest these children often have difficulty in structured environments like school where rules are enforced. They may struggle with emotional regulation and exhibit entitled behavior. While often creative and socially confident, they frequently have trouble with tasks requiring persistence and self-discipline.
3. Neglectful Parenting
Low Warmth, Low Control
Neglectful parenting is characterized by emotional and physical distance. These parents provide basic necessities but remain uninvolved in their child’s daily life. This may stem from various factors including work demands, personal struggles, mental health issues or substance abuse. Children essentially raise themselves, making decisions without guidance or support.
Neglectful parents fail to meet their children’s basic emotional needs. They:
A 12-year-old regularly prepares their own meals, puts themselves to bed, and manages their own homework schedule because their parent is rarely home or engaged. When the child asks for help with a school project, the parent responds, “Figure it out yourself I’m busy.”
This absence of involvement leaves children without models for behavior or emotional support during challenges. They miss critical guidance during formative years when brain development depends partly on responsive caregiving.
Children with neglectful parents often:
Research indicates these children typically face the most significant challenges. They’re more likely to develop behavioral problems, struggle academically, and have difficulty forming healthy attachments. The lack of consistent care creates a foundation of insecurity that can persist into adulthood.
4. Authoritative Parenting
High Warmth, High Control
Authoritative parenting balances high expectations with emotional responsiveness. These parents set clear boundaries but explain the reasoning behind rules. They involve children in decision-making appropriate to their age and development. This approach respects children as individuals while providing the structure they need to develop self-regulation and responsibility.
Authoritative parents balance clear expectations with emotional support. They:
When an authoritative parent notices their 10-year-old hasn’t started their science project due next week they sit down with the child and say, “I see your science project is due next Friday. Let’s look at your schedule and make a plan for when you’ll work on it. What materials do you think you’ll need?”
This approach teaches children how to plan, problem-solve and take responsibility while feeling supported. Children learn that their input matters, but adults provide guidance when needed.
Research consistently shows children of authoritative parents:
Across cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds, authoritative parenting consistently produces the most positive outcomes. These children learn to balance independence with responsibility. They develop intrinsic motivation and self-discipline that serves them throughout life. Most importantly, they maintain strong connections with their parents while developing confidence in their own abilities.
What really works
While research points to authoritative parenting as the most effective approach, real families are more complex than any framework suggests. Parents often move between styles depending on circumstances, stress levels, and their own upbringing. Understanding these patterns helps us make conscious choices about how we interact with our children.
Many parents find themselves shifting between styles depending on the situation. A typically authoritative parent might become more authoritarian when exhausted or more permissive during vacation. The key is self-awareness. Recognize when you’re veering into a less effective approach and consciously adjust your response.
The problem with perfect parenting
Perfect parenting doesn’t exist. All parents make mistakes, lose their temper, or struggle with consistency. What matters most is your overall approach and willingness to grow. Children benefit more from seeing parents acknowledge mistakes and make repairs than from witnessing supposed perfection that feels inauthentic.
When parents make mistakes, like overreacting to spilled milk or forgetting a promise, the repair matters more than the misstep. Saying “I’m sorry I yelled. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t fair to you” teaches children about accountability and emotional regulation.
Hannah Mulholland, a pediatric social worker at Mayo Clinic, reminds parents:
“We are all doing the best we can each day. Our intentions are always good, but we struggle to execute depending on our own capacity in the moment.”
Finding your balance
Rather than aiming for perfection within one style, focus on core principles that support healthy development. These elements create a foundation for positive parent-child relationships regardless of age or temperament.
Building connection
Children thrive when they feel loved. Show affection daily, listen without judgment, and make time for meaningful interactions. Connection forms the foundation for everything else in parenting.
Research shows that regular positive interactions, even just 15 minutes of undivided attention daily, significantly strengthen parent-child bonds. This might look like reading together, cooking, playing games, or simply talking about the day without distractions. These moments build trust that sustains your relationship through challenges.
Setting clear boundaries
Children need structure to feel secure. Establish important rules, explain your reasoning, and maintain consistency. When children understand the “why” behind limits, they’re more likely to internalize values rather than just follow rules.
Effective boundary-setting means being clear and consistent while allowing appropriate flexibility. Start by identifying your non-negotiable rules based on safety and values, then involve children in setting other household expectations. A family meeting where everyone contributes to creating rules helps children feel ownership and increases compliance.
Teaching independence
Allow age-appropriate freedom and let children make mistakes. When children have opportunities to make decisions and experience natural consequences, they develop confidence and judgment.
For toddlers, this might mean letting them choose between two outfit options. For school-age children, it might involve managing their homework schedule with guidance. For teenagers, it might include negotiating curfew times based on demonstrated responsibility. These graduated freedoms prepare children for adult decision-making.
Adapting as they grow
Parenting a toddler differs from parenting a teenager. Be willing to adjust your approach as your child develops new capabilities. What works perfectly at one stage may need modification at the next.
When different parenting styles clash
Parents often have different ideas about child-rearing. These tips help navigate differences:
The power of relationship over style
While parenting style matters, your relationship with your child matters more. Research shows that children who feel securely attached to their parents are more likely to:
What science really shows about the “best” style
While authoritative parenting receives the most research support, here’s what parents should know:
Moving forward as a parent
The goal isn’t to label yourself or adopt a perfect parenting style. Instead, focus on building a relationship with your child that balances loving connection with appropriate guidance. This takes practice, patience, and willingness to learn from both successes and mistakes.
Start by observing patterns in your parenting. Notice when you tend toward strictness without warmth, or affection without boundaries. Pay attention to how your child responds to different approaches. Their behavior often reflects what’s working and what isn’t.
As Dr. Laura Markham wisely notes:
“Children are more likely to follow the direction we set when we give them the opportunity to be heard along the way. They need to know that we recognize them as capable and significant members of the family.”
When a 6-year-old resists bedtime, an authoritative parent might say: “I understand you’re having fun and want to stay up. Sleep is important for your growing body. Would you like to read one story or sing one song before lights out?” This approach acknowledges feelings, explains reasons, and offers appropriate choices.
For a teenager wanting to attend a party, an authoritative parent might discuss their concerns, ask about supervision and transportation plans, and work together on reasonable check-in times. This respects the teen’s growing independence while maintaining safety boundaries.
The best parenting approach balances firm boundaries with genuine warmth, adapts as children grow, and prioritizes relationship over rigid rules. This balance helps children develop the confidence, skills, and emotional intelligence they need to thrive.
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