Make requests, not demands

Early in my marriage, conversations with my spouse often left me feeling resentful and unappreciated. I couldn’t understand why my partner wasn’t meeting my needs despite my constant reminders of what I wanted.

Sound familiar?

It took me years to realize I was going about it all wrong. I wasn’t expressing my needs effectively. Demanding things from my partner was tearing us apart. I had to learn to make requests.

How to improve your marriage with a simple communication trick

Communicating your needs to your spouse is essential for a happy marriage. But how you express those needs makes a world of difference. One small change in your approach can transform your relationship dynamic.

Stop making demands. Start making requests.

Demands create tension and trigger defensiveness. When you demand something from your partner, it comes across as criticism or an attempt to control them. Even if they comply, it’s out of obligation rather than love.

Requests, on the other hand, are respectful and constructive. A thoughtful request invites your partner to show they care. It fosters connection, cooperation and affection. With a request, your spouse can express their love by supporting you.

Common scenarios

Demands

“You never help with the dishes. It’s your turn tonight, so get in there and do them now.”
“I hate when you go out with your friends. You need to stay home with me instead.”
“You always forget to pay the bills on time. Get it together and be more responsible!”
“I’m tired of you always being on your phone. Put it away and pay attention to me.”
“You’re wearing that? Go change into something nicer before we go out.”

Requests

“Honey, I’m exhausted from cooking dinner. Would you mind helping me with the dishes tonight?”
“I miss you when you’re out with your friends. Could we plan a date night for just the two of us this weekend?”
“I’ve been stressed about the bills lately. Can we sit down together and make a plan to stay on top of them?”
“I feel a little neglected when you’re on your phone during our time together. Would you be willing to put it away while we talk?”
“I love when you wear that blue shirt, it really brings out your eyes. Would you consider wearing it to the party tonight?”

The key differences between demands and requests

Demands are often phrased as accusatory statements, starting with “you” and focusing on what the other person is doing wrong. They have an aggressive, blaming tone.

Requests are phrased as “I” statements, expressing your own feelings and needs. They have a gentler, collaborative tone and give the other person room to say no. Requests open a dialogue, while demands shut it down.

Demands: Include words like “never,” “always,” and “need to,” creating a sense of absolutes and urgency.
Requests: Include phrases like “would you mind,” “could we,” and “would you be willing to,” creating a sense of choice and partnership.

Making this shift in everyday communication will help you feel more heard, respected and willing to meet each other’s needs.

The first approach attacks your spouse and guarantees resentment, even if they do wash the dishes. The second approach makes them feel valued and gives them a chance to show they care.

When you create a habit of making requests, you transform your marriage:

Your partner feels respected, not bossed around
You both get your needs met
You feel loved and supported
Resentment fades as teamwork grows
Intimacy and connection deepen

Learning to make requests instead of demands is a skill that takes practice. You’ll stumble at first. You’ll catch yourself mid-demand and awkwardly try to rephrase. Your spouse might look at you funny, wondering where this change is coming from.

Keep at it!

With time and consistency, it will start to feel natural. You’ll see your partner soften and open up. You’ll feel more connected, more like teammates. And that’s when your marriage will really start to sing.

The next time you need something from your spouse, pause. Take a breath. And make a heartfelt request. It will change everything.

Resources

The 5 Love Languages (Book)

Make requests, not demands

How to improve your marriage with a simple communication trick

Stop making demands. Start making requests.