Two years into my marriage, the honeymoon phase ended with a silent, sudden crash. Suddenly, everything that was once endearing about my husband now got on my last nerve. Leaving dirty socks on the floor, forgetting to take out the trash, chewing too loudly – each tiny irritation compounded until I found myself wondering, “What happened to us? Where did the love go?”
Here’s the secret no one tells you: Real love begins when you choose your partner, flaws and all.
It’s your choice
The fairytale version of love makes for good movies, but it sets unrealistic expectations for real relationships. Finding your soulmate, riding off into the sunset, and living happily ever after just doesn’t happen.
All couples face challenges and moments when the romance fades. The key is understanding that love changes over time – and that’s okay. You can have an amazing, fulfilling marriage for a lifetime if you make the conscious choice to love your partner each and every day.
Companionate love vs. passionate love
In the beginning, relationships are fueled by passionate love – that intoxicating cocktail of emotions and chemical reactions that cause an obsession with your partner. You think about them constantly and want to spend every moment together. It feels magical.
But passionate love doesn’t last forever. It burns hot and fast, then fizzles out after a couple of years. That’s when many people think the relationship is over and call it quits. In reality, that’s when true love – companionate love – has the opportunity to take root and grow.
Companionate love develops slowly as you build trust, friendship, and shared life experiences with your partner. It’s a calmer, more stable form of love. And while it may not generate the same exhilarating highs as passionate love, it provides something even better – a deep sense of connection, understanding, security and fulfilment that can last a lifetime.
Choose to love
The problem is companionate love takes work. You can’t just coast along and expect to stay madly in love forever. You have to consciously choose your partner every single day. Especially on the days when they’re getting on your nerves. Even on the days when life is stressful and hard. You wake up each morning and recommit to loving them unconditionally.
What does choosing to love look like in practice?
Some days, this is easy. Other days, it’s really hard and feels like a sacrifice. But by continually investing in your relationship, you develop an unshakable foundation of love.
Too many couples give up on love when the flame of passion inevitably starts flickering. They mistake the natural evolution of love for falling out of it and jump ship. But the truth is, every relationship eventually moves from the dizzying high of infatuation to the steadier warmth of deep connection. The trick is not just accepting this transition but embracing it.
How?
By understanding that love is a verb, not a noun. Communicating honestly, giving generously, forgiving quickly, and relentlessly prioritising each other. By creating an environment of appreciation, adventure, and absolute safety. This isn’t always easy in the day-to-day grind of marriage, but the couples who do it are the ones who make it.
Take an honest look at your relationship. How can you be more intentional in nurturing your bond? What new ways can you find to cherish your partner? Dig deep, get creative, and dedicate yourself to crafting the marriage you’ve always wanted. One loving choice at a time.
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