You know that sinking feeling when a conversation with your partner veers into the “You always…” zone? Maybe you’re dishing those statements out yourself, watching your loved one’s face fall with each accusation.
I’ve been on both sides of that interaction. And let me tell you, it never ends well.
I certainly made my share of mistakes. Whether I was flinging “You never listen to me!” at my partner or silently seething at her “You’re so selfish” jabs, it took a communication breakdown to realize I needed a better way. And that’s when I discovered the magic of “I feel” statements.
Transform your relationships with this simple communication hack
Want to strengthen your relationships and banish resentment? Start using “I feel” statements. This communication hack helps you express yourself clearly and empathetically without placing blame.
What are “I feel” statements?
They’re a way to communicate your emotions about a situation, focusing on your experience rather than criticism. Instead of an accusatory “You never listen to me!” you might say, “I feel unheard when I’m talking and you look at your phone.” See the difference?
Using “I feel” statements does 3 things
The research agrees
Studies show couples who use “I feel” statements have less hostile conflicts, more cooperation, and more satisfaction in their relationships. It also helps counteract relationship-sabotaging biases.
How to craft an effective “I feel” statement
10 “I feel” statement examples
- “I feel frustrated when you leave dishes in the sink, because we agreed to split chores evenly.”
(“You never do the dishes!”) - “I feel frustrated when you don’t arrive at our agreed-upon time, because it makes me feel like my time isn’t a priority to you.”
(“You’re always late!”) - “I feel taken for granted when my efforts go unrecognized, because it leaves me feeling like my hard work is not being seen or valued.”
(“You never appreciate anything I do for you!”) - “I feel hurt when my needs and feelings aren’t considered, because it signals to me that my well-being isn’t a top priority in our relationship.”
(“You’re so inconsiderate!”) - “I feel overwhelmed and triggered when we have these heated arguments, because the harshness of the words exchanged makes me feel insecure.”
(“You make me so angry!”) - “I feel resentful when I’m doing most of the household chores alone, because it leaves me feeling like my time is not being valued.”
(“You never help out around the house!”) - “I feel unheard during our conversations, because it seems like there’s a disconnect between what I’m trying to express and what you’re absorbing.”
(“You’re impossible to talk to!”) - “I feel sad and torn when there’s tension between you and my loved ones, because my friends and family are precious to me.”
(“You never want to spend time with my family!”) - “I feel stifled when my every decision is questioned, because it undermines my confidence and sense of autonomy.”
(“You’re so controlling!”) - “I feel insecure about our connection when your affection becomes rare, because words of appreciation reassure me of our marriage.”
(“You never say ‘I love you’ anymore!”)
Bonus tip
“I feel” isn’t just for problems! Use it to appreciate your partner too, like:
Next time tensions rise, take a deep breath and experiment with an “I feel” statement. With practice, it can become your relationship superpower. Speak from the heart, listen with compassion, and watch your bond grow stronger than ever.
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