Life is preparation for judgment in the afterlife. (Because nothing says “meaningful existence” like having your organs preserved in fancy jars.)
Seeking immortality is futile, so make peace with mortality and enjoy life’s pleasures. (The quest for eternal life ends with “enjoy the beer.”)
Life is an endless cycle of rebirth until you get it right and achieve moksha. (Take 9,478. Action!)
Life is fulfilling God’s commandments. (Plus the 613 fine-print clauses that come with them.)
Life is suffering that you should transcend by eliminating desire. (Just stop wanting things. Easy right?)
Life is about creating social harmony through proper relationships and moral conduct. (Just follow these 3,000 rules on how to bow correctly.)
The unexamined life is not worth living. Wisdom begins with acknowledging ignorance. (“I know nothing.“)
Life means flowing naturally with the mystery you can’t possibly understand. (Stop swimming and start drifting.)
Only your mind exists for certain. (You’re the star of the universe. Too bad there’s no one else to appreciate it.)
All your “choices” were predetermined by prior causes. (Free will was never on the menu.)
Reality is just a shadow of true Forms. (Your life is a cheap knockoff of the real thing.)
Life’s purpose is flourishing through virtuous rational activity. (Just be perfectly rational and virtuous. Why is everyone finding this so difficult?)
Life is pursuing moderate pleasure and avoiding pain. (Wild parties, but home by 9.)
Life means accepting what you can’t change. (Spoiler: that’s almost everything.)
Life is about pursuing pleasure above all else. (What could possibly go wrong with this brilliant plan?)
Life is God’s test of worthiness and preparation for eternal salvation. (No pressure, just eternal consequences for temporal actions.)
Life is submission to Allah’s will and preparation for judgment. (Surprise quiz every day, final exam at death.)
Act only in ways that could be universal law. (Exhausting yourself with moral calculations since 1785.)
The meaning of life is maximizing happiness for the most people. (Good luck pleasing everyone.)
We’re just complex arrangements of atoms seeking to reproduce. (You’re an DNA preservation system with existential anxiety.)
Life means absolutely nothing in any objective sense. (How refreshing! Nothing matters, so why even finish this senten…)
Simplify and find meaning in nature. (Throw away your phone and live in the woods, easy!)
Meaning is found in simple compassion. (Only took 1,400 pages about Russian aristocrats to learn basic kindness.)
God is dead, and we must create our own values. (No pressure to become your own deity.)
Life is far too important to be taken seriously. (Says the man who took his aesthetics deadly seriously.)
Life is an incomprehensible bureaucratic nightmare. (Your paperwork for existing is perpetually incomplete and filed in the wrong department.)
We’re “condemned to freedom”. (Congrats on your gift of absolute responsibility.)
We must imagine Sisyphus happy despite life’s absurdity. (Enjoy that boulder, friend.)
Life has precisely the meaning you give it through authentic choices. (No pressure to invent purpose from scratch.)
We should embrace the meaningless chaos with a smile. (Laughing at the cosmic joke you’re part of, ha ha ha…wait, why aren’t you laughing?)
All meaning is socially constructed and inherently unstable. (Your profound purpose is just another narrative, sorry not sorry.)
Life is enduring the mundane horror of existence with a drink in hand while finding beauty in the gutter. (Cheers to nursing that hangover and postal service grudge.)
We might be characters in an advanced video game. (Your existential crisis is just entertainment for higher beings.)
Meaning comes through maximizing positive impact. (Have you optimized your charitable giving lately?)
Life’s meaning is found in restoring an idealized version of a national past. (Nostalgia: the perfect cure for present problems.)
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