I used to think showing love was simple.
You say “I love you,” you buy gifts on special occasions, you help around the house, you spend time together, you kiss goodnight. Basic human stuff, right?
Wrong.
When my husband stopped responding to my affection, I doubled down. More “I love yous.” More surprise gifts. More help with his tasks. More date nights. More physical affection. And yet his emotional distance grew.
One night after another silent dinner, I asked what more I could possibly do to make him feel loved. His answer stunned me:
“Stop doing what you think matters and start doing what actually matters to me.”
That’s when I realised I had been loving him in my language, not his, like writing heartfelt letters to someone who can’t read.
The truth about love is both simpler and more complex than most people think: what makes you feel loved isn’t what makes your partner feel loved.
Speaking your partner’s language
Why do some couples stay happily connected for decades while others drift apart? The answer might be simpler than you think. Most relationship problems stem from a basic issue: partners don’t know how to make each other feel genuinely loved.
The love tank concept
Think of your emotional need for love as a tank inside you. When your tank is full, you feel connected, happy and secure. When it’s empty, you feel disconnected, unloved and insecure.
Many couples begin their marriage with full tanks, fueled by the excitement of falling in love. But over time, without knowing how to keep each other’s tanks full, those warm feelings fade. This explains why a relationship that started with such promise can turn into two people living like roommates.
The five love languages explained
People express and receive love differently. What makes you feel loved might not work for your partner. These different ways of experiencing love can be grouped into five categories:
1. Words of affirmation
Some people feel most loved when they hear positive words. Compliments, encouragement, and kind words fill their love tank quickly. For these people, harsh words cut deeply.
Examples:
2. Quality time
For others, nothing says “I love you” like undivided attention. These people need you to be fully present. Not just physically there while scrolling through your phone. They value eye contact, active listening, and shared activities.
Examples:
3. Receiving gifts
Some people feel especially loved when they receive thoughtful gifts. It’s not about the money spent but the thought behind the gift—the visible symbol that says “I was thinking about you.”
Examples:
4. Acts of service
For some people, actions speak louder than words. They feel loved when you do things to ease their burden or make their life easier.
Examples:
5. Physical touch
Many people feel most connected through physical contact. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and other touches are their primary way of receiving love.
Examples:
How to discover your love languages
Not sure what your primary love language is? Ask yourself:
The things you ask for often point to your love language. The complaints you make also give clues. We tend to feel most hurt when our primary love language is neglected.
Why speaking the wrong language doesn’t work
Imagine speaking French to someone who only understands Mandarin. No matter how beautifully you speak, they won’t understand your message. The same happens in relationships.
Mark and Mary were perfect examples. Mark worked hard to provide for his family and do household tasks. His way of showing love is through Acts of Service (3). Meanwhile, Mary felt unloved because what she really needed was Quality Time (2). Mark was speaking the wrong love language.
No matter how hard Mark tried to show love his way, Mary’s tank remained empty. This explains why some partners can try so hard, yet their spouse still feels unloved.
The power of speaking the right language
The good news? Once you learn to speak your partner’s primary love language, results can be dramatic. Even small efforts in the right language fill the tank more than grand gestures in the wrong one.
When Jean wanted Quality Time, her husband Norm finally understood why all his Acts of Service weren’t making her happy. Once he started giving her just fifteen minutes of undivided attention each evening, their marriage transformed.
Making the choice to love
What if your partner’s love language doesn’t come naturally to you? Love is a choice, not just a feeling. When you choose to love someone in their language, even when it’s difficult, that’s genuine love.
The husband who hates talking about feelings but makes the effort to have deep conversations with his Words of Affirmation wife is truly loving her. The wife who’s not naturally touchy-feely but makes a point to hold her Physical Touch husband’s hand is showing real love.
When you feel unlovable
What if you’ve tried everything and your partner still doesn’t speak your language? Start by making sure they know yours. Many people don’t realize there are different love languages.
Then consider this experiment:
For six months, focus completely on filling your partner’s love tank without expecting anything in return. Give love as purely as you can in their primary language. Many couples find that when one person consistently speaks the other’s love language, feelings of love eventually return, and the partner naturally begins to reciprocate.
What’s your next step?
Speaking each other’s love language won’t solve every problem in your relationship, but it creates the emotional climate where you can work through issues together. When your love tank is full, you’re more able to handle life’s challenges as a team rather than opponents.
Your relationship is worth the effort.
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