We’ve all been there. Your partner loads the dishwasher in a way that makes your eye twitch. Your coworker submits a report riddled with errors. Your friend shows up late to your lunch date again.
Minor annoyances, but they grate on you. You know you need to say something, but you dread it. So you bite your tongue and let it slide. But resentment has a way of building. Like a pressure cooker, it simmers and steams until you reach a boiling point and explode in a stream of pent-up criticisms. By then, it’s too late for a constructive conversation.
There’s a better way. Giving feedback isn’t about brutal honesty. It’s about being honestly helpful.
How to give feedback without the bitter aftertaste
Do your attempts at constructive criticism leave your partner with a sour taste? Giving negative feedback is hard. Most of us don’t relish pointing out flaws or shortcomings to the people we love. But bottling up concerns isn’t the answer either. Resentment builds, tensions rise, and small grievances blow up into major conflicts.
There’s a better way. With the right approach, you can share feedback your partner will hear and act on. The secret ingredient? A generous helping of appreciation on either side, otherwise known as the compliment sandwich.
How to make a compliment sandwich
1. Start with a genuine, detailed compliment.
I noticed you took out the garbage and tidied up the living room without me asking. That was so helpful – thank you!
2. Slip in your suggestion, kindly phrased as a request for next time.
Next time, could you also make sure the bags aren’t too heavy for the garbage collectors to lift? They have a 40lb (20 kg) limit.
3. Finish with another specific bit of praise.
I really appreciate you pitching in more with the housework lately. It makes such a difference when we work as a team.
Here’s why it works
The compliment sandwich turns criticism into collaboration in three key ways:
Tips for the perfect compliment sandwich
Like any new skill, giving good feedback takes practice. You might fumble a bit at first. But keep at it. With time and repetition, those compliment sandwiches will get easier to dish out – and easier for your partner to swallow.
When you can offer guidance without triggering defensiveness, you create an environment where both of you can grow, individually and together. A relationship where you bring out the best in each other.
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