Saying “Tell me more” is one of the most powerful tools for turning difficult conversations into moments of genuine connection and understanding.
Listening is the No. 1 communication skill
Listening is the most important communication skill, and yet the most neglected. We all think we’re good listeners, but we’re not. We’re too busy, distracted, self-absorbed or bored to pay attention to what others are saying. And that’s a big problem because listening is the key to connecting with other people.
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” (Ralph G. Nichols)
When someone opens up to us, our first instinct is often to offer advice or solutions to their problems. However, this may not always be the best approach. Instead, simply saying “Tell me more” can be the most powerful way to show that you care and are willing to listen.
What makes “tell me more” different
Most conversations follow a predictable script. Someone shares a problem. You immediately offer advice. Or worse, you share your own similar story, accidentally making their problem about you. This happens so automatically that we barely notice we’re doing it.
“Tell me more” breaks that script. It’s not advice. It’s not a solution. It’s an invitation to keep going, to go deeper, to share what’s really underneath the surface statement.
“Bravery is the great guts to move closer to the wound holding eye contact and saying these seven words.
Tell me more. What else? Go on.
That’s how the braves shine. That’s all they do.” (Kelly Corrigan)
Think about the last time someone asked you to elaborate on something you felt strongly about. That’s what this phrase creates. It signals to the other person that you’re not just waiting for your turn to talk. You’re genuinely curious about their experience.
Why it works so well
When you say “tell me more,” you’re doing something most people rarely experience in conversation. You’re transferring control. In normal exchanges, especially between a manager and employee or a parent and child, there’s usually an imbalance. One person holds more authority. They ask the questions. They direct where things go.
But “tell me more” flips that dynamic. It says, “You’re the expert here. I’m here to learn from you.” That shift creates safety. People relax. They open up. They tell you things they weren’t planning to say.
I saw this play out last month when a colleague was frustrated about a project timeline. My instinct was to explain why the deadline made sense. Instead, I paused and said, “Tell me more about what’s making this feel impossible.” What came out wasn’t really about the timeline at all. It was about feeling overlooked in earlier planning stages. If I’d jumped to defending the deadline, we would have completely missed the actual issue.
The technique also buys you time. When someone says something you don’t understand or that triggers a defensive reaction in you, “tell me more” gives you a minute to process before responding. You’re not scrambling to formulate the perfect reply. You’re just asking them to continue.
How to use it the “Tell me more” technique
The phrase itself is straightforward, but the execution requires some attention. You can’t just say the words and check your phone. The whole point is demonstrating genuine curiosity.
I’ve found that the most effective approach follows a simple 3-step pattern. It feels a bit mechanical when you first try it, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes second nature.
Step 1: “Tell me more”
This is your opening move. When someone shares something that seems emotionally charged, resist the urge to immediately respond with advice or your own story. Instead, invite them to elaborate.
You might say:
Before you say anything, though, stop what you’re doing. Put down the phone. Close the laptop. Turn your body toward the person. If you’re going to ask someone to share more, you need to actually be present for what they say.
Don’t interrupt with specific questions. This is probably the biggest mistake I see people make. They say “tell me more” and then immediately pepper the person with questions that redirect the conversation. If you ask someone to elaborate and then steer them back to what you want to know, you’ve defeated the whole purpose. Just let them talk.
Step 2: “That sounds really hard”
After they’ve shared more, acknowledge what they’re going through. This is where you validate their experience without trying to fix it. The key is to reflect the emotional reality of what they’ve described, not to minimize it or jump to solutions.
You might say:
Keep your face neutral and open during this step. This is harder than it sounds. If your partner is explaining why they’re upset about something you did, your natural reaction might be to frown or look defensive. That shuts the conversation down immediately. Try to keep your expression empathetic and calm, even if what you’re hearing is difficult.
The goal here isn’t to agree or disagree. It’s simply to recognize that their feelings are real and legitimate. You’re not saying “you’re right to feel this way” or “you’re wrong to feel this way.” You’re just saying “I see that you feel this way, and I’m here with you.”
Step 3: “What do you want to do about it?”
Now, and only now, you shift toward action. But notice the phrasing. You’re not telling them what to do. You’re asking what they want to do. This keeps them in control of the conversation and respects their autonomy.
You might ask:
- “What do you want to do about it?”
- “How do you want to handle this?”
- “What do you need from me?”
Sometimes they’ll have a clear answer. Other times they’ll say “I don’t know,” and that’s okay too. Just asking the question helps them start thinking about solutions on their own terms rather than feeling like solutions are being imposed on them.
When to use variations
You don’t have to use the exact phrase every time. Sometimes it makes more sense to say:
“Can you help me understand that better?” “What was that like for you?” “Say more about that.” “Walk me through what happened.”
All of these accomplish the same goal. They invite the person to expand without directing where they should go. I tend to mix them up naturally based on the conversation, but they all serve the same function.
What it looks like in a real conversation
Here’s what this looks like in a real conversation. Your partner comes home upset about a coworker taking credit for their idea in a meeting:
1. You: “Tell me more about what happened.”
[They explain the whole situation, including how blindsided they felt]
2. You: “That sounds incredibly frustrating. Especially after all the work you put into that idea.”
[They share more about how they’re feeling and absorb that they’ve been heard.]
3. You: “What do you want to do about it?”
[They might say they want to talk to their manager, or they might say they just needed to vent, or they might not know yet]
The beauty of this structure is that it gives someone space to process their emotions before jumping to problem-solving. Most people can’t think clearly about solutions when they’re still in the middle of feeling upset or overwhelmed. By walking through these three steps, you help them move from emotional overwhelm to clarity about what they actually need.
Common mistakes
Probably the most damaging mistake is following “tell me more” with immediate advice. If someone shares something vulnerable and you respond with “Well, here’s what you should do,” you’ve just taught them not to be vulnerable with you next time.
Another issue is using the phrase when you don’t actually have time to listen. If you say “tell me more” and then glance at your watch or seem distracted, you’re doing more harm than staying silent would have done. Better to say “I want to hear about this, but I have five minutes before I need to leave. Can we talk about it tonight?” That’s honest. The fake listening thing just breeds resentment.
Some people also make the mistake of only using this technique when they’re in “helper mode.” They’ll use it with direct reports or clients, but never with their spouse or friends. That creates a weird dynamic where your professional relationships get your best communication skills and your personal ones get whatever’s left over.
What happens after “tell me more”
The hard part isn’t actually saying the phrase. It’s what comes next. You’ve invited someone to share more, and now you need to do something with what they’ve told you.
Sometimes, after someone elaborates, the right response is to reflect back what you heard. “It sounds like you’re feeling sidelined in this process.” That shows you were actually listening and helps them feel understood.
Other times, you might need to ask another “tell me more” question to go even deeper. If someone shares that they’re stressed about work, and you ask them to elaborate, and they mention a specific project, you might then say, “Tell me more about what’s making that project so stressful.”
The goal isn’t to fix their problem in that moment (though sometimes a solution emerges naturally once you both understand the situation better). The goal is to understand. To see their perspective. To make them feel heard.
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Actual, genuine listening has become rare. When you offer it to someone, especially in a moment when they’re struggling, it’s a gift.
I’ve watched marriages improve when one partner started using this technique. I’ve seen workplace conflicts resolve once people stopped trying to immediately problem-solve and started asking each other to elaborate. It seems almost too simple to make a difference, but the simplicity is the point.
Most emotional conversations aren’t actually that complicated. People aren’t usually looking for elaborate solutions or deep philosophical insights. They want to feel heard. They want to know that their experience matters to you. You probably also need to feel heard sometimes. “Tell me more.”
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