For most of my life, I thought arguing was about proving I was right. I’d latch onto my viewpoint with a death grip, using every rhetorical trick to defend it. Evidence that contradicted my stance? Brushed aside. Holes in my logic? Hastily patched. The other person’s perspective? Dismissed with a wave.
I argued to win, not to understand.
But a few years ago, I discovered a method that flipped my approach to arguments upside down. It’s a framework backed by Bo Seo, former Harvard debate coach and two-time world debating champion, and it’s as easy to remember as RISA: Reality check, Impact check, stay Specific, and Agree first.
Applying RISA transformed how I argued. I stopped seeing disagreements as battles to be won and started approaching them as puzzles to solve jointly. I learned to focus less on being right and more on understanding what’s true.
A science-backed method for resolving conflicts
Arguments can harm relationships when handled poorly, but they can strengthen trust when approached skillfully. Successful arguments stem from mutual understanding rather than winning, and the RISA framework translates this into a practical system anyone can apply.
The RISA framework
Pause and reflect before engaging
Studies show that during arguments, your brain’s cognitive abilities are impaired. Anger can temporarily lower your IQ by 15 points. Take a moment to breathe deeply and ask yourself: “Is my goal to win or to find a resolution?”
Real-life examples of risA in action:
Address one issue at a time
Research shows that the human brain struggles to process multiple problems simultaneously. Each additional topic introduced into an argument increases the likelihood of failure by 50%.
Example: When discussing household chores with your spouse, focus on creating a fair distribution of tasks rather than bringing up unrelated issues like their work schedule or social habits.
Real-life examples of riSa in action:
Choose your battles wisely
Studies in the workplace reveal that 80% of success is attributed to just 20% of actions (Pareto principle). This principle applies to arguments as well – focus on the ones that truly matter.
Example: When planning a group project, focus on the most critical aspects, such as dividing responsibilities and setting deadlines, rather than arguing over minor stylistic preferences.
Real-life examples of rIsa in action:
Practice active listening
Neurological research reveals that listening before speaking clears one’s thinking. Skilled negotiators spend 70% of their time listening.
Example: When you disagree with a neighbor about a shared fence, listen carefully to their concerns and perspectives before expressing your own views.
Real-life examples of risA in action:
Address the strongest points directly
Skilled debaters know tackling the most compelling arguments head-on is more effective than nitpicking minor flaws.
Example: When discussing a proposed policy change at work, focus on the most significant potential benefits and drawbacks rather than minor procedural details.
Real-life examples of rIsa in action:
Consider the other perspective first
Research shows that individuals considering both sides of an argument are 76% more likely to prevail.
Example: When disagreeing with a friend about a social issue, take time to genuinely consider their viewpoint and the experiences that shaped their perspective.
Real-life examples of risA in action:
Argue constructively and purposefully
Approach arguments as opportunities to build bridges, not walls. Studies show that people are more likely to remember their feelings during an argument than the specific words spoken.
Example: When discussing a sensitive topic with your partner, focus on expressing your feelings and needs rather than assigning blame or trying to prove a point.
RISA helps you:
Sagens kerne
If you’re tired of arguments that go nowhere or leave everyone feeling bruised, I encourage you to try RISA. The next time you’re at odds with someone, resist the urge to attack. Instead, get curious. Ask questions. Paraphrase their perspective. And look for that tiny patch of common ground – that shared hope or value that can serve as the foundation for genuine dialogue. With practice, you may find that arguments stop feeling like battles to be won and start feeling like invitations to understand each other more deeply.
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