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Producer: TED Radio Hour
TED Radio Hour is a weekly, hour-long exploration of big ideas, hosted by journalist Manoush Zomorodi. It’s a co-production between NPR and TED that airs on over 600 public radio stations across the U.S. and internationally. Each episode tackles a single question or theme. Things like why we procrastinate, how technology reshapes our brains or what makes us happy.
About this episode
Title: When a loved one is struggling, don’t offer advice. Try this instead
Most of us think helping someone means solving their problem. Kelly Corrigan spent years getting this wrong with her own daughters before a friend showed her a different approach.
When her daughters were in middle school, they’d come home upset about something and she’d jump in with solutions. They’d shut down and walk away. She couldn’t figure out why her help made things worse.
Then her daughter Georgia called during a road trip, crying about sixth grade. All the girls were turning on her. Corrigan’s friend Tracy, who was studying to become a therapist, sat in the passenger seat whispering prompts: “Tell me more.” “That sounds really hard.” “What do you want to do about it?” Corrigan repeated these lines. Georgia kept talking. The conversation didn’t end with silence.
Corrigan figured out something that shift. When you solve someone’s problem quickly, you’re telling them it wasn’t that complicated. You’re taking away their chance to untangle it themselves. She compares it to a jewelry box where all the necklaces are knotted together. Either you let them have the satisfaction of separating everything, or you steal it from them.
Her framework boils down to seven words:
“Tell me more. What else? Go on.”
The episode walks through when this matters. Your kid gets dropped from a group text. Your partner loses a big deal at work. Your parent needs help but won’t accept it. Someone tells you they’re using again, they bought a gun, they stopped taking their medication, they wonder if life is worth the effort.
Corrigan’s advice is to move closer instead of backing away. Hold eye contact. Ask those seven words. Even when you’re scared, even when you have no training for this, even when it’s late and you’re exhausted.
The strongest example comes from her father’s last days. He was 84, mostly at peace with dying. But one day he seemed agitated. Corrigan didn’t try to reassure him or change the subject. She asked him to tell her more.
He talked about regrets. Not visiting his brother-in-law enough after he died. Not naming a child after his lacrosse coach, the guy who’d pulled him aside in college and told him to shape up or lose his scholarship. Small things, at least to Corrigan. But they were weighing on him.
She didn’t say “Oh, come on, you were great.” She kept asking what else. He talked until he was done. Then he leaned back and said, “I’m good, Lovey. That’s good for today.”
She gave him space to work through his own life. He gave her a way to be useful in that moment.
If you want to try this, start small. Next time someone brings you a problem, wait five minutes before offering solutions. Try “Tell me more about that” or “What else is going on?” or “That sounds really hard.” See what happens.
Most people aren’t looking for you to fix things. They want confirmation that what they’re feeling makes sense, that you can handle hearing it, that they’re not alone.
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