2. Places we go when we compare

Time: 40 minutes
Difficulty: Intermediate
Prerequisites: Understanding of basic emotional granularity from Lesson 1

What you’ll learn

By the end of this lesson, you’ll be able to:

  • Distinguish between admiration (connection) and envy (disconnection) when viewing others’ success.
  • Identify the specific difference between envy and jealousy, and why conflating them causes problems.
  • Recognize schadenfreude (pleasure in others’ pain) and its antidote, freudenfreude (joy in others’ joy).
  • Apply Brown’s framework for transforming competitive comparison into connected appreciation.

Pre-lesson challenge

Open Instagram or any social media. Scroll for two minutes. Notice what you feel when you see someone’s vacation photos, promotion announcement, relationship milestones, or perfect-looking life. Are you happy for them? Annoyed? Inferior? Inspired? Something else entirely?

Here’s the challenge: Before labeling it “jealousy” (the word we default to), pause and ask whether you actually think they’re going to take something away from you. Remember your answer until the end of this lesson.

The big idea

Your brain evolved to evaluate yourself relative to others. This happens automatically, constantly, whether you want it to or not. Trying to stop comparison is like trying to stop breathing. The problem is that we use one word (“jealousy”) to describe six different emotions, which means we misunderstand what we’re feeling and respond in ways that damage connection rather than deepen it.

Why this matters

You see a classmate present research that wins an award. You feel something uncomfortable. Without precise language, you might call it “jealousy” and feel ashamed for being a bad person. If what you’re actually experiencing is envy (wanting what they have) tinged with resentment (believing their success is unfair), the response isn’t shame. The response is examining whether you want what they have badly enough to work for it, and whether you’re making up stories about fairness to avoid your own responsibility.

The stakes are high. Unexamined comparison emotions fuel the toxicity of social media, undermine workplace collaboration, poison friendships, and trap us in cycles of either feeling superior (which prevents growth) or feeling inferior (which prevents action). These emotions also operate largely unconsciously. You might not even know you’re experiencing envy or resentment until you notice yourself subtly undermining someone or feeling inexplicably satisfied when they stumble.

Brené Brown’s research reveals that people who can’t accurately identify comparison emotions tend toward two extremes: perpetual competition (exhausting) or avoiding excellence entirely (limiting). Learning this vocabulary lets you harness comparison as information about your values and aspirations rather than letting it hijack your relationships and self-worth.

Breakdown

1. Admiration

Admiration occurs when someone’s abilities, achievements or character inspire us. Their success doesn’t diminish you. Instead it shows you what’s possible. You feel drawn toward the person, wanting to learn from them or spend time with them. There’s no zero-sum thinking.

Admiration makes you want to grow. When you admire someone’s work, you think “How did they do that? I want to develop those skills.” When you admire their character, you think “They handled that difficult situation so well. I want to cultivate that quality.”

Reverence is admiration taken further. A deep respect, often tinged with awe. You might feel reverence for a teacher whose wisdom changed your life, or for natural beauty, or for someone’s courage in the face of suffering.

2. Envy and jealousy

We use “jealous” for almost everything comparison-related. This creates a problem. Envy and jealousy are distinct emotions requiring different responses.

Envy occurs in two-person situations: you want something someone else has. It’s about possessions, attributes, achievements or status. “I envy their intelligence” or “I envy their relationship” or “I envy their opportunities.” Envy tells you something about your values. It points to what matters to you.

Jealousy requires three people: you fear losing a relationship or social standing to someone else. “I’m jealous that my best friend is spending more time with their new partner” or “I’m jealous that my advisor gives another student more attention.” Jealousy is fear of losing something you already have.

Why does this matter? Because the cure is different. Envy asks: “Do I want this badly enough to work for it, or am I just making myself miserable wanting something I don’t actually value enough to pursue?” Jealousy asks: “Is this relationship actually threatened, or am I creating problems by trying to control rather than trust?”

3. Resentment

Resentment is envy’s bitter friend. The one who always nags about unfairness. You don’t just want what someone has, you believe they don’t deserve it or that they got it through unfair means. Resentment is particularly toxic because it lets us avoid responsibility. Instead of asking “What do I need to do to achieve this?” we tell ourselves “The system is rigged” or “They had advantages I didn’t.”

Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes systems are unfair. Resentment keeps us stuck in victim mode rather than agent mode. As Brené Brown notes, we can acknowledge real inequities while still asking “Given the reality I’m in, what’s my next move?”

4. Schadenfreude and Freudenfreude

Schadenfreude is pleasure in others’ misfortune. It’s that little spark of satisfaction when someone who seems to have it all together stumbles. Research shows we’re more likely to feel schadenfreude toward people we envy since their failure temporarily makes us feel better about ourselves.

The problem, however, is that schadenfreude is poison. It disconnects us from our humanity and others’. It’s also addictive. That hit of feeling superior creates a craving for more evidence that others are struggling.

The antidote is freudenfreude: joy in others’ joy. This is admiration in action. When you can genuinely celebrate someone else’s success, you’re operating from abundance rather than scarcity. You’re secure enough in your own worth that their win doesn’t threaten you.

Practicing freudenfreude actually makes you happier. Research on “capitalization“, the active sharing of positive events, shows that celebrating others’ good news strengthens relationships and increases your own positive emotions.

The story behind

Brené Brown’s interest in comparison emotions grew from studying shame, which is deeply entangled with comparison. Shame asks “What’s wrong with me?” and often answers by comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves lacking.

The distinction between envy and jealousy came from etymology and cross-cultural research. Many languages have different words for these concepts, but English speakers typically conflate them, leading to confusion. Brown’s team worked with therapists who noted how often clients would say “I’m jealous of their success” when they actually meant envy, and how that linguistic confusion prevented them from addressing the real issue.

The schadenfreude research became particularly relevant during social media’s rise. Researchers found that platforms engineered for upward comparison (seeing others’ highlight reels) increased envy, which increased schadenfreude. People were more likely to feel satisfaction at others’ failures or setbacks. This dynamic helps explain why social media can feel so toxic: it’s a schadenfreude engine.

Freudenfreude emerged from positive psychology research on what makes relationships work. Psychologist Shelly Gable found that how we respond to others’ good news matters more than how we respond to their bad news. Active, enthusiastic celebration strengthens bonds. Passive or negative responses damage them. This became the foundation for understanding that joy in others’ joy isn’t just nice, it’s also necessary for connection.

Key concepts

  • Upward vs. downward comparison
    Upward comparison is evaluating yourself against someone you perceive as better off or more successful. It can inspire (if you feel admiration) or demoralize (if you feel envy). Downward comparison is evaluating yourself against someone you perceive as worse off, which temporarily boosts self-esteem but prevents growth and often involves schadenfreude. Healthy development requires mostly upward comparison paired with admiration, not envy.
  • Zero-sum thinking
    The belief that resources, success, or worth are limited. If someone else wins, you lose. This mindset fuels envy and resentment while preventing celebration of others. The reality is that most things worth having (skills, love, joy, meaning) aren’t zero-sum. Someone else’s success doesn’t diminish the possibility of yours. Recognizing this shifts you from competition to inspiration.
  • Scarcity vs. abundance mindset
    Scarcity mindset sees the world as fundamentally lacking. There is not enough success, love, recognition or resources to go around. This generates anxiety and competition. Abundance mindset recognizes that while specific resources may be limited, the things that matter most (growth, connection, creativity, meaning) expand rather than contract when shared. Moving from scarcity to abundance doesn’t mean denying real constraints. It means not letting those constraints trap you in perpetual comparison.

Quotes

“Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other—it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.”

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” (Theodore Roosevelt)

Key takeaways

  • Admiration creates connection and inspires growth. Envy creates distance and resentment.
  • Envy involves two people (you want what they have). Jealousy involves three (you fear losing a relationship).
  • Resentment is envy plus a story about unfairness that keeps you stuck in victim mode.
  • Schadenfreude (pleasure in others’ pain) is a symptom of envy and disconnection.
  • Freudenfreude (joy in others’ joy) is the antidote that strengthens relationships and increases your own happiness.
  • Social media engineers upward comparison, making envy and schadenfreude more likely.
  • The cure for destructive comparison isn’t avoiding it but developing precise language and choosing admiration over envy.

Related

Social comparison theory, developed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, established that humans have an innate drive to evaluate themselves by comparing to others. This is how we develop self-concept. The problem arises when we lack frameworks for managing comparison emotions constructively.

Modern research on social media has validated Brené Brown’s concerns. Studies show Instagram use correlates with increased depression and anxiety, mediated by upward social comparison. The curated nature of social media (people share highlights, not lowlights) creates systematically distorted comparison standards. You’re comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.

The concept of “mudita” from Buddhist philosophy aligns with freudenfreude, sympathetic joy, the practice of delighting in others’ happiness. It’s considered one of the “four immeasurables” alongside loving-kindness, compassion, and equanimity. The Buddhist tradition recognized thousands of years ago what contemporary research confirms: cultivating joy in others’ success is essential for wellbeing.

Carol Dweck‘s work on growth vs. fixed mindset also connects. People with fixed mindsets (believing talents are innate and unchangeable) experience more destructive envy. If abilities are fixed, someone else’s success proves you lack what they have. Growth mindset (believing abilities develop through effort) transforms envy into admiration. Their success shows what’s possible for you too.

Common mistakes

  • Calling everything “jealousy”
    Using one word for multiple distinct emotions prevents you from addressing what you actually feel. Get specific! Is it envy (I want what they have), jealousy (I fear losing a relationship), admiration (they inspire me), or resentment (they don’t deserve it)?
  • Believing envy makes you a bad person
    Envy is data about your values. Feeling envious of someone’s career success tells you career matters to you. The question isn’t “How do I stop feeling this?” but “What am I going to do with this information?”
  • Using “unfairness” to avoid action
    Yes, systems can be unfair. Yes, privilege exists. When you focus exclusively on unfairness, you’re choosing resentment over agency. Acknowledge reality and still ask: “What’s my next move?”
  • Avoiding excellence to avoid comparison
    Some people respond to comparison pain by shrinking or staying small. This doesn’t reduce comparison. It just ensures you’re always on the losing end of it.

Exercises

Exercise 1: The envy inventory

Time: 15 minutes
Type: Reflection

Create two columns in on a paper.

  1. Left column: List 5-7 people whose lives, achievements, or qualities spark uncomfortable comparison feelings.
  2. Right column: For each person, identify specifically what you envy. Be honest! No one will see this.
  3. Ask yourself: Do I actually want this badly enough to work for it? If yes, what’s one concrete step I could take? If no, why am I torturing myself wanting something I don’t value enough to pursue?

This exercise transforms envy from a vague negative feeling into actionable information about your priorities. Many people discover they’re envious of things they don’t actually want once they examine it honestly.

Exercise 2: The freudenfreude practice

Time: 5 minutes daily for one week
Type: Action

Every day for a week, actively celebrate someone else’s good news. This must be genuine. Forced positivity doesn’t count. When a classmate, friend or colleague shares something good, respond enthusiastically: “That’s amazing! Tell me more!” When you see a friend’s social media win, comment specifically: “I’m so excited for you, this is what you’ve been working toward!” When a colleague succeeds, acknowledge it: “You crushed that, well done!”

Notice how this practice changes your own emotional experience. Research suggests celebrating others’ joy literally increases your capacity for joy.

How to start today

Next time you feel comparison envy while scrolling social media, pause and ask: “What does this tell me about my values?” If you envy someone’s job achievement, it tells you the specific job matters to you, so what’s one small step toward your own job achievement? If you envy someone’s relationship, it tells you connection matters, so what’s one way to deepen your existing relationships? Transform envy from pain into information, then into action.

Knowledge check

Your coworker, who started the same week you did, just got promoted. You feel a sharp, uncomfortable sensation. Using the frameworks from this lesson, what are the possible emotions you’re experiencing, how would you distinguish between them, and what would each one tell you to do?

Answer

Several possibilities exist.

  • If it’s envy, you want the promotion they got, and you’re focused on what they have that you don’t. This tells you that advancement matters to you, so ask: “What did they do to earn this, and am I willing to do those things?”
  • If it’s resentment, you’re telling yourself a story about unfairness. Your coworker didn’t deserve it, got lucky, or played politics. This keeps you stuck, so challenge your story: Is this actually true, or am I avoiding examining my own performance?
  • If it’s jealousy, you’re not focused on the promotion itself but on losing status or relationship with your boss relative to your coworker. This tells you to work on secure rather than comparative professional identity.
  • If it’s admiration tinged with disappointment, you’re inspired by their success but sad you didn’t achieve it yet. This is the healthiest emotion. Celebrate your coworker and recommit to your own path.

The key is getting specific enough about what you’re feeling to respond appropriately rather than spiraling in vague discomfort.

The situation

Your Instagram feed lights up: Your high school friend just posted photos from their acceptance of a job at your dream company. The one that rejected you last year. The one you’re reapplying to. The post has hundreds of likes and congratulatory comments. You feel something hot and uncomfortable in your chest.

Your first instinct is to scroll past quickly. You force yourself to like the post, though you can’t bring yourself to comment. Later that day, you find yourself telling another friend about how that job “isn’t actually that great” and “they probably just got in because their parent is a friend with the boss.”

What emotions are actually present in this situation? What would a healthier response look like?

Answer

Let’s untangle the emotional knot. The hot, uncomfortable feeling when you first saw the post is envy. They have what you desperately want. The impulse to scroll quickly is shame about feeling envious (you think you should be happy for them). The forced like without comment is attempting to perform freudenfreude you don’t actually feel. The later conversation undermining the program is resentment (unconsciously, you’re telling yourself an unfairness story: “They don’t deserve it; I do”) mixed with schadenfreude in advance (hoping to feel better by imagining the program isn’t actually good).

A healthier approach starts with honesty: “I’m envious. They got something I want badly. That hurts.” This isn’t wrong. It’s human.

Second, separate envy from resentment. Unless you have actual evidence they got in unfairly, don’t create that story. It helps nothing.

Third, feel your feelings but don’t act from them. You don’t have to comment enthusiastically if you can’t manage genuine happiness yet. Don’t undermine them to others. That’s where envy becomes toxic.

Finally, use the envy as information. It confirms this goal matters intensely to you. What can you strengthen in your application? Who can give you feedback? What can you learn from your friend’s success? Envy becomes useful when it motivates growth rather than feeding resentment.

Over time, with practice, you might even reach genuine freudenfreude. Forcing it prematurely just adds shame to envy. Start with honesty, then move toward generosity.

Reflection prompt

Think about someone whose success you admire without any envy. Someone you genuinely celebrate. Now think about someone whose success sparks envy or resentment. What’s different? Is it about the person, or about how their success relates to your own values and aspirations? What does this tell you about what matters most to you?

Take 2 minutes to think about this or journal your response.

Resources

Fun facts

Schadenfreude in Language: German isn’t the only language with a word for pleasure in others’ misfortune. In Mandarin, there’s 幸灾乐祸 (xìng zāi lè huò), which literally translates to “happiness at calamity and delight in disaster.” The Greeks had epichairekakia (ἐπιχαιρεκακία). The Japanese have 他人の不幸は蜜の味 (tanin no fukō wa mitsu no aji), meaning “the misfortune of others is as sweet as honey.”

Humans everywhere experience and needed to name this uncomfortable truth about our nature. What’s rarer? Languages with words for the opposite. Freudenfreude is a new word. We’re only recently developing common language for joy in others’ joy. The Buddhists have had “mudita” for 2,500 years, but most Western languages lacked this concept until recently.

So we’ve been great at naming the darker comparison emotions but terrible at naming the connecting ones. That linguistic gap might partly explain why the darker ones seem to dominate. Hard to practice something you can’t name.

The word “envy” comes from the Latin invidia, from invidere (“to look upon with ill will”). It literally means to look at someone with bad intentions. Envy isn’t just wanting. It’s wanting plus looking with resentment. The cure, then, is learning to look with admiration instead.

Your takeaway

We exist in a ruthlessly comparative environment. Your work is graded relative to others. Programs and jobs accept limited numbers. Awards go to few. Your social media feeds show job acceptances, presentations and achievements. A curated stream of others’ wins while you struggle in private with your setbacks.

This creates perfect conditions for toxic comparison. You’re constantly seeing upward comparison triggers (people ahead of you) combined with high-stakes competition (limited slots for what you want) in an environment that rarely teaches you how to manage comparison emotions. So you feel chronically inadequate, question whether you belong, or alternate between feeling superior (when you find someone struggling more) and inferior (when you see someone excelling).

This lesson gives you tools to break that cycle. When you see another friend’s achievement, instead of spiraling into “I’m behind, I’m failing, I’ll never make it,” you can identify: “This is envy. It tells me this matters to me. What’s my next step toward that goal?” When you notice satisfaction at someone else’s setback, you can catch schadenfreude early: “That’s a red flag that I’m operating from scarcity. What would abundance thinking look like here?”

Those who thrive aren’t those who never compare. Everyone does. They’re the ones who’ve learned to transform comparison from a source of shame and disconnection into a source of information and inspiration. They’ve developed enough security to celebrate others’ wins genuinely, knowing that success isn’t zero-sum. They feel envy sometimes but don’t let it become resentment. They admire instead of resent.

You’re training yourself to do work that matters, which means you’ll spend your life around high-achieving people. Learning to navigate comparison with precision and grace is essential. This lesson gives you the map.

Coming up next

We’ve covered uncertainty and comparison. Two of the most common emotional territories. What about when you plan carefully, do everything right, and things still don’t work out? Next, we explore disappointment, regret, discouragement, resignation, and frustration. The emotions that arise when reality doesn’t match expectations. You’ll learn why these five experiences, while related, require completely different responses, and why confusing them keeps you stuck.

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